Letter from Harry Massey to Barbara Massey

36. In Marjorie's case, on account of her baby - she would have to start soon - or wait some time.

And now darling, I think that is the end of news & discussion, before close up this letter, I must tell you some more about loving you & missing you, & the happiness & misery which I am caused through these. You must I'm sure you will forgive me if I repeat myself in this letter & say the same things again & even say them in the same. But I do not read back, & normally I would have written you five or six letters in the same time, had the same number - or slightly fewer - back from you. And I find darling one, that I think the same thoughts about you over & over again. If I find that something I think makes me very happy, or very close to you, or even very unhappy - I make a point of thinking these things about you again - & see if I can get the same satisfaction out of them again, or even improve on them. Do you know, my darling, we have been together more than six years now. And there are

37. so may lovely times & lovely things about you to remember. I am becoming a sort of expert at missing you & loving you from several thousand miles away - a most unsatisfactory substitute for the real you, but it is a necessity. I went to bed early last night & it was very warm on deck & a perfect night, the first time all day that I had been cool. And I was able to lie on the top of my bed & look at the stars & think of you - & when I could not think hard enough, then close my eyes. And sweetest dearest one, I could almost very nearly see & feel every part of your body & the exact shape of your face & sound of your voice. For a long time now sweetest heart, you have been very sweet & so very intimate with me but it has almost taken this being away from you to make me understand how perfect you have been to me & how perfect you are. I am thrilled my darling, when I think, as I do so much, of how happy I have been with such a person as you. And I am even more thrilled when I think of me making you happy. You have told me that I

38. do make you happy, that you loved me - & you toldme that I took your heart with me & I do feel that from you who has so much depth & feeling - that means so much & you must mean what you say. I am frantic to have a letter from you, to hear again tha these things are true. I feel they will be, just because of the kind of person you are - I would go mad if I really thought there was any doubt about it - but I do want to hear you say so. Sometimes, I think of my imperfections - churning away at the works & being very dull; not learning very much about art, so as you could discuss & talk about these things to me - & I could make an intelligent answer, or disagree intelligently, or agree in such a way that you would feel more sure. And of the unkind thins I have said & done to you. And I think you may be saying to yourself - enough - I will start a new life & away with this dull unkind man. But I don't think these things much or for

39. long, or very seriously. I don't think I have been very unkind or very often. I do think I have worked too hard, & must have been rather dull but I did want to make some money for us, & thse blasted bloody Executive directors did make it incomparably more difficult by not dealing with that silly little man. And I do think I have been very wrong about art - both to myself & to you. My only excuse is hard work, again - but that is not a very cast iron one, & you could knock it into pieces. But I have decided to rectify myself about that - & to start this as soon as possible. If I am in or near a town with a bookshop, I want to buy good books - not only about sculpture & painting - & read them well & then post them home to you. I hope this ^^is allowed, & that I shall not always buy books you have read or do not like. And darling, I wonder if I have been loving enough, appreciative enough, of you. Sometimes I'm afraid & annoyed to think that I may not have been - but again. I do not

40. think it is really true. But I do seem to realise things more now than I did before - & it is lovely to do so. Darling Barbara, do believe that I'm not being sentimental or exagerating when I tell you that you are perfection of beauty, figure, intelligence & I love, adore & worship you - & my one & only ambition in this world at this moment & as far as I can see, is to be together with you again. Oh, dearest sweetheart, I do love you so much, & I loathe being away from you. I want to be with you, talk to you & make love to you, very gently, & very passionately - I want to kiss you for a long, long time, I want to see you walking & sitting, & naked & half undressed - I want to touch you in all sorts of different places - I want you to touch me & tell me you love me, & kiss me & say things to me that I like, & admire me - & say you are happy with me - & always want to be