Letter: Roger Farquhar to Mary Hallowell, December 12, 1861

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Lonesome Hollow 12th 5th 1861

Dear Cousin Mary I have headed this sheet with thy name but am tryuly puzzled to know how to begin its contents. if I have anything to say to thee at all, I have so much that I do not know what to begin with. I have told thee several times that I was not going to write to thee and have often almost made up my mind not to write again, not because I do not value thy letters for they are truly one of the few things I really enjoy, and it will be a great trial to be deprived of them as I fear I will be in the course of a few weeks, but because my letters are so gloomy and sad and have nothing instructive or interesting in them but are composed of my own individual affairs which have certainly not been very encouraging as holding out to others an example to follow and prosper by. Since our regular correspondance commenced I have not been in a state of mind pleasant to myself or likely to be to any one else I regret that it is so, but instead of imrpoving I am I fear daily growing worse in fact I have lately been anything. I cannot settle myself sufficiently even to read a book. I do not visit except at my nearest relations. I attend to my business affairs more from habit than anything else and because regardless of my own interests I elieve it is my duty to do so. What is to bring about a change I do not see, for though I have laboured to improve and get control of my feelings I have so far been unsuccessful.

[P inserted for readability; text continuous] I know that it is my own falt in not governing myself but as one of my often quoted maxims says, :I know the right, and I approve it too, condemn the wrong, and yet, tho wrong pursue." I am affraid I will have a good deal to answer for yet in giving up to my feelings as I sometimes to for instance in going to bed and crying for ten or fifteen minutes like some homsick child or one bereaved of a dear friend, & wishing I was in the other world, which I know is not the way to get to the right one. By being so ungrateful for the comforts and blessings I have here in so much larger proportion than many others, I often feel reproach for not being more contented when I compare my lot with many I meet. I am blessed with having enough to eat, clothing to keep me warm, and can use my own pleasure to go when and where I please, and am successful so far in my business, and what is of as great value have I hope and believe sincere and interested friends. What more could any one wish or desire. It may seem to some that nothing is wanting and yet I am discontented and desire more. I want to have the privillege of loving some one as much as I please and having someone to care for an put me up. There is very little show of affection in the Farquhars, but judging the others by myself I know the feeling is not deficient. I appreciate any interest shown in me by others and used to sincerely love Dellio as a friend because she was always so kind to me and humoured and petted me up more than any one else did, and it was also the case with Mrs. Moore both of them manifesting an interest in me that others did not,

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Roger BF to Mary Hallowell -2- 12/5/'61

but I had to resign them both, then having to look elsewhere for a friond I found one in my cousin Mary, whose friendshrip I have valued more than either of the others. But pleasures are not lasting in this world and I am warned that I will in a measure have to resign her before long, and where then am I to look for simpathy and affection. This question is unanswereable to me and unpleasant to think of. I know how thee and others would answer it, "get a wife", but with my nature and disposition this is much easier said than done, and I cannot now see any prospect of accomplishing such an end. I have tried to explain to thee what has (with some other connections of which thee is aware) produced this unpleasant state of mind. I have described myself as having.

[P inserted for readability; text continuous] If thee see no reason in it please excuse and forget my weaknesses and at once consign these lines to the fire. Under other circumstances than I have described as existing I would look forward with extreme pleasure to the 2nd month and also to thy being a neighbour, but alas!

And now for an attempt to answer the contents of thy last letter, respecting the lady under consideration. There has of late a great change thaken place in her treatment of me, until within a few weeks we have been perfectly friendly toward each other and appeared to be easy in each others company, but now I might almost say she treated me with indifference, and appears to wish to avoid any attention I show her. This thee partly accounted for in thy letter and may be produced by teasing but if she has not sufficient independance to resist this I do not see what course to purse, for I am too diffident and have too much consideration to force my society upon her. This in the absence of any opportunity of private conversation with her makes me appear indifferent where in truth I am interested beyond bounds. Some time ago I flattered myself I was succeeding very well, but I have nothing now to encourage me. Thee censures me quite severely for not paying the lady more attention, alludes to not talking to her at meeting, &c. I regret that I cannot talk to anyone with ease in company with others and it is as much as I can do to summon up courage to deliver a note or message at the ladies door of the meeting house, and to make myself agreeable or entertaining to one that is shrinking from me is more of a task than I am capable of.

[P inserted for readability; text continuous] I told her the other evening that as she had gotten me into the scrape of reading at the Lyceum I hoped she would assist me to find a piece, which she abruptly refused to do, and I then asked her if she would inspect a piece I had selected and tell me wheter it would do. This she refused also to do, so I droped that subject at once. She always seems to take pleasure in opposing any opinion I express, mind I am not meaning to find falt but merely trying to show why I appear indifferent. And now I am going to do I do not approve of, especially on paper that is to speak.

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Roger BF to Mary Hallowell -3- 12/5/'61

of another behind their back, but I really think that the influence of thy sister Carrie exerts on another CARRIE [written twice as large] is not at all beneficial, this much I incidentally told them both the other evening. Thy sister is a very fine woman in many respects, but some of her views are not practical and will not do to live by in this world. I have regretted ever since going there last 3rd day evening, for it is the last visit I feel that I can pay there very shortly, having received two invitations in the course of the evening not to come again, by staying away I know that I will spite myself more than any one else, but I cannot receive such treatment though it may be in fun for what is pleasure to some is death to others.

I believe I have nevertold thee that I stopped smoking nearly two weeks ago, to begin again when I choose which may never be.

If thee should persevere through this to the end thee will discover that it is from thy excentric cousin.

/s/ R. B. Farquhar

P. S. I leave thee to decide whether this had not better be burned. I think it would be as well.