Personal notes

Physical - But his [...] , shoulders, dick, face, and the way he kisses me makes it so hard.

Incompatibilities Advantage of my size is I can appreciate bigger and smaller ones. He likes them "young + hung" like [...] of his friend's film.

Sex Too tired on Saturday nights when we stay out late, and even on weeknights . Only time is after a nice, stress-free evening [...] Not on Sunday mornings when I especially like affection + safe sex He's just not into sex as much as I am .

- Size Issue - His making fun of [...] / camaros with thumb/index finger gesture, "You're not that small" - Would have to stay at his house on weeknights I'm not short blond + stocky so I feel that's why he doesn't have energy. That's what he really wants to play with.

Insensitivity Going home + spending day with Steve Segal night before we had set up date. Not handling Night after Kirt Well, spending evening with me and then leaving without a discussion.

Music Singing, 60s songs on Sunday morning He doesn't make tapes that I like Patsy Clinet + Whitney Houston vs. Mick Jagger

Politics Money - 1968 Ford Truck which he never washes or cleans the inside of. No skiing Avoids expensive restaurants / riding rides at Fun forest Uninspiring Apartment Avoided cover at Neighbors. Hates tugs too where I've had many good times. Can buy half a house I just don't fit in with his friends, money wise,

Lifestyle - No record + call Student - I should look for prof'l Prefers sparks + Hombres over tugs + neighbors Under 30 vs. Over 30 (by three years) He fits Brass Con and Seattle. I don't anymore Neatness/cleanliness of houseor bedroom vs. bathroom Skinny Hairy legs. Ought to wear long pants Not nice to look at his legs with sucking, being fucked "sideways" or just sitting in the car with shorts. Not pleasant putting hand on his leg while driving.

See also DIARY 7/15 PROS + CONS 8/15 events since return from Laguna Beach 9/7

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Lessons learned [--illegible--] (written 8/27)

I want to find the roots of the problem on Sunday night [insert] Aug 24 '86 [/insert]. first and foremost, I was treating my relationship with Bill as all or nothing, which is clearly unrealistic. One moment I'd be in love with him, and another time I'd be listing all the things I dislike. The fact is that I should treat him, and others, as best I can, given what I appreciate in him. I expect he won't be my boyfriend because we are so incompatible, and he's not really what I want, but he does have some qualities that I appreciate and can learn from. Had I realized this, then Wednesday (Great Wall) and Friday (Hombres) wouldn't have been so tense.

Second, I should have been clearer about not seeing him Saturday night, and I should've had the courtesy to call him early Sunday afternoon, if only because we're new friends who need to communicate. Fortunately, I can say that I felt this as I drove to Issaquah, but I didn't know what to do about it. I should've followed my heart and searched for the answer in it. Didn't even return his Sunday afternoon call, which was friendly. I had thought on Wednesday that the tension arose due to my working on something boring and intensely technical all day, which could be true, but I don't care to change that part of myself just for another person. I was ready to relax but Bill was not at all [side notation] just another incompatibility. [/side notation] That's why we're friends of a limited amount.

Not even known before this disaster but useful -> And Bill saying its ok for me to have sex with others, that he won't lose sleep over it, solves this need for sex too, and allows us to be friend. Consistent with my idea that we were not boyfriends.

Third, I can't sleep with Bill if he doesn't have sex, or show strong affection to me. Wednesday 8/20 , before we slept together, I jerked off, but that didn't help me sleep there was too much tension from the evening. And this induced me to not see him Saturday since I generally like sex on a Saturday 8/23 night. But this didnt prevent me from sleeping with him this evening Wed 8/27.

6/89 This is essentially the Sunday Syndrome Fourth, I was feeling generally depressed on Sunday afternoon because it was cloudy (regardless of weather Sunday I would be depressed) and I didn't have anything to do with someone or alone. That may be true but the depression shouldn't have affected me so much. To solve three and four I will try restarting the Amitryptiline which makes me sleep and also removes depression.

Fifth, Bill can be pretty edgy and bitchy and negative at times, and when I have a tendecy to get depressed it just makes matters worse. I won't just ignore it becuase I don't like it, but perhaps I can kid him about it, ala Steve Segals lines. Get him to relax so I can. Don't change me.

Tactics for improving our time together Sixth, when Bill is acting political, smart, or knowledgeable, use that to learn. Ask questions. He's a teacher, he likes to teach. Let him teach me, and be a good student. Use Socratic method on him to have a discussion and don't mind his opinions. Realize that I don't have strong opinions.

Seventh, grass at Michael made me stupid + paranoic.

IT'S FRUSTRATING TO ME IT'S PRESSURING TO BILL (Fri 8/29) after episode inviting him out for Labor Day ONLY

I feel bad not because Bill isn't stimulated to have sex with me, but because I could lose invitations to fun things if we don't see each other. I don't want him to sleep with me anymore because it's awkward at best and unrewarding. Why do it? But I need to tell him so at some time before the situation arises again. And if situation for sex should arise before, I'd better have the guts to say no, guts even to avoid getting into the situation.

Tell him that because a) we're not sexually compatible b) I'm more physically oriented than he is c) more in need of affection than he can give d) he's lost sexual interest in me e) it's silly to tell each other who else we have sex with I want to give up sex with him. So I can't see going away overnite Labor Day weekend with him. We can spend time in small amounts if he wants.

Just say, "Basically, ssex should not be a part of our relationship since tthe incompatibilities hurt me too much."