Diary

THU MAY 11 '89

7:30 ----[blue]Feels like it could be a waste to write in MAC about O.C when I have a review in 1982 book, which I could clip + save. I need to check how good the review is. And it's so unuseful to review that period at this time, so much later, and I even question validity of my view of that time NOW.[/blue] ---To gym since I'm feeling pleasantly spacey probably due to [pink]AMIT,[/pink] and maybe massage Madison Park. Legs day. [blue][group]Realized I just nead to read my reviews of OC + 82/83 to check completeness. If the reviews seem full to me, then I don't need to keep their basis diaries.[/group][/blue] [margin]I've only kept dairies since I didn't know if my reviews perspective was sufficient.[/margin] [blue]I really don't want to rewrite those reviews[/blue] -too passé -too invalid since feelings are so far passed. [blue]But if reviews are ok, clip + toss out Diaries. [arrow]This means I need only write review of 8/85.[/blue]

11:30 Espresso at Sommelier [pink]Tour of Bob's office + lunch. SIFF TIX.[/pink] [blue]Storage to pickup OC review, written 5/82.[/blue]

1:30 At home, [blue]read Book #1 review, and #2. Start reading Book #2. Read Tech description of TRADER...Still tempts me... And pull out statistics book from shelf, to take to storage with this trader description.

3:15[/blue] [yellow]Start going through more of 1980 #2 Diary. Good to review + TOSS out[/yellow] Social + fun events - so ethereal [margin]Misc facts Tech details[/margin] Personal thoughts + feelings - so passé It is so hard to express feelings in a diary. [pink]I sense that I wasted a lot of time on being gay in O.C. since I didn't find any relationship to develop. Lots of searching but no success at building meaningful friend. Would S. Cal be that way now? Lots of fun, but pointless, sex? At least there was Russell. [group]There were so many tricks, but what do you have afterwards. Since Seattle has so few gay men, I DON'T WASTE MY TIME HERE.[/group] [margin]![/margin] I wanted a man with a heart + mind, but didn't find. Always distractions because the guys with the highest COMPOSITE SCOREs aren't the best looking.[/pink]

4:45 [blue]Take TRADER SPEC, STATISTICS book, and misc Tech notepapers (that were loose in Diary #2) to Storage.[/blue] ----[pink]Bob picks me up to drive me to Tom + Rich's. See their place, cats, espresso.[/pink]

[pink]FEELING BAD ABOUT HOW I DRESSED,[/pink] 501s + SWEATER VS SILK PANTS + NICE SHIRT. [pink]To 5th Ave for SIFF opening + "Rainbow."[/pink] Again feeling like a hillbilly, versus suits, and Gowns, Cath + Chuck et al look great. Over to Spanish Ballroom at Olympic. Nice. After champagne I don't feel so out of place. Also, movie was a bit of a stinker, so I dressed ok for that. The opening should be an event though. [pink]MAYBE NEXT YEAR[/pink]

11:45 [pink]Bob drives me home.[/pink]

12:00 [pink]To Tubs to wear off alcohol, [/pink]hot tub, etc

1:15 To bed

FRI MAY 12 '89

7:00 ----[yellow]Read + shread diary pages from Win '81[/yellow]

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10:30 Market Logic. VL for May Divd Growth. Excel. Print.

12:15 [yellow]Finish Diary #2[/yellow] [orange]Note how excited I was to learn about people and motivating them, but I lacked self-confidence + charisma, I realized. And I found later that I didn't succeed in 82. Has anything changed this time 7 years later? Now that I have financial success?[/orange] [pink]But I still need stable home life to grow socially. And I haven't find anyone who has acceptable minimums.[/pink] [blue]That diary is all shredded + gone, except for Desc of Trader specifications Last page + very last page on cover Which I keep with trading modem.

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Take cover to storage + bring home Summer '81 book.[/blue]

2:30 [pink]Due to,[/pink] Last night's embarrasment Future trip to LA

[pink]I should go get clothes. Do this on days off gym. Shop at Marios. Got silk jacket, gabardine slacks.[/pink]

4:30 Yogurt. Go home.

5:15 [yellow]Start in on Summer '81[/yellow] [pink]+ recognize all the social activities, and decide to copy them out to my calendar-style pages.

[group]Really sense the problems I have[/pink] with lack of social/verbal skills [comment]little interest in people, fun, humor.[/comment] with visual/physical distration.

[pink]I was quite stressed socially in S. Cal. Would I be again if I lived there NOW? I thought I just didn't do a good job of planning, but also I didn't have the strengths to weather or overcome awkward social situations.[/pink][/group] [comment]Esp Laguna Bch wknd with Tim + Aaron.[/comment]

10:15 -----

[blue]10:45[/blue] [yellow]Continue with Summer '81,[/yellow] moving social stuff to new calendar-style pages. [orange]I wonder if it's true that I was bored with programming because I couldn't get a mate because I lacked social skills, needed to compete in LA gay world. My inclination to manage was due in part to a desire to me more social. But alas, I simply lack thos skills. [group]I need to become comfortable with enjoying my math skills, and find some one who will accept my lack of social skills, who I look good together with.[/group][/orange] [margin][pink]![/margin][/pink]

11:45 To bed.

SAT MAY 13 '89

7:15 -----

7:45 [orange]I remember hating my work because I felt it prevented me from developing social skills, and so I couldn't accept some social invitations. And I felt I was missing out.[/orange] [pink]I didn't realize that I'm just not a social person fundamentally.[/pink] [orange]My work suits me.[/orange]

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[yellow]Finish the Summer '81 diary (Shred)[/yellow] [blue]Saw sensitive equity option info in it![/blue] [pink]Funny to consider living in SF after just a few brief trips there. I guess I had HOPE. I was gay, but not carefree. Too serious ~ GAY. I should never spend time worrying ~ sex.[/pink]

1:30 [pink]This takes a lot of time, but I want to separate[/pink] [orange]work[/orange] [pink]social life[/pink] [orange]deliberations about work[/orange] [pink]+ where to live etc[/pink] [blue][group]from each other. FORTUNATELY, the only new piece I need to create is calendar of social life since biweeklies recount work, and reviews (in diaries) recount deliberations.[/group][/blue] [margin]![arrow to "social stuff to new calendar-style pages"][/margin] See gardening Bert did by Garage Stairwell. [yellow]Go get final O.C. Diary.[/yellow]

2:15 My mind is sludge right now. PHC. Chest. [blue]Think ~ summer '81. And about how to "attack" upcoming diaries[/blue]

4:30 Go home. [pink]Go get Chart of Lk Wash + Brush. Take to boat + brush out drive. Run engine awhile.[/pink] Misc. Go home.

6:30 ----

Pay bills

[yellow]Reread May 82 Review of Book #3 [comment]Summer '81[/comment], along with the enhancements made last couple days.[/yellow] -----

Golden Girls hour long show. Watch taped Murphy Brown

10:45 To bed.

SUN MAY 14 '89 SUNNY, BUT [pink]MORN TO CHILLY TO BOAT.[/pink]

7:00 ----[yellow]Start Book #4.[/yellow] Where would I like to spend my Work Days? [comment]Good question Tues 11/10 1981[/comment] [pink]"Maybe I could see living in LA during the week with weekends in O.C. or SF"[/pink] [orange]But first I knew I wanted to learn to manage and for that I had to go to Seattle.[/orange] [pink]"Maybe I'll be able to handle LA in a couple years."[/pink] [orange]From Sunday Nov 15 I see I realize[/orange] Leeds, Benn, Walinsky, Ramola : Motley crew. Cobol is bad design, unexciting.

[orange]So why did I move to Seattle? What changed my mind? Gates called[/orange] TUE 11/24 [orange]Pleaded with me agreed to 6 month minimum.[/orange]

[pink]After thinking that I wanted to leave OC anyway (for LA probably), I may as well stop over in Seattle for 6 months en route.[/pink] [orange]On Friday, 11/27, I got options starting 11/16 too.[/orange] ----

[yellow]Continue Book #4 through New Years Day.[/yellow]

2:00 ---[blue]To Storage to date stamp "In quiet moments" and put with 1981 stuff. Other MISC. So I'm all done with OC review.[/blue]

3:15 Go for 40 min walk for aerobics [orange]Realize how the following Winters group.

	Learn	Write
PersAcct	83/84	84/85
Works	85/86	86/87
Finance	87/88	88/89

[pink]Ever since I realized I can't be social through winter (in Win 83/84), I've not tried.[/pink]

4:00 ----[pink]Parents pickup in new Cadillac.

5:00 See new Edgewater. Preppie Lodge Style. Drive out to Lakeside + Bothell.[/pink] At home, change. [pink]Pickup typewriter.[/pink]

8:00 To Parents to [pink]give 'em typewriter.[/pink] Misc talk. ----

10:00 Go home. To bed

MON MAY 15 89

[96?]° BAD SORE THROAT

7:00 [blue]Finish Final OC Diary (actually has to do with first 2 weeks '82 in Seattle)[/blue]

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[blue]Read First Seattle Diary to see if I want to keep it intact. OK.[/blue] [orange]Realize the big reason I was unable to manage was my inability to communicate with Bill + Paul since I was jealous of their growth! And I'd also forgotten about the instability caused by moving + summer.[/orange] [blue]That's [arrow to "First Seattle Diary"] a good book + not too sensitive. So keep it intact. Nothing that should be separate like Finance or boring details about work. Lotso Relevant Pers Info. Look over 4 page review in 1985 book. OK.[/blue]

12:15 ----[blue]Take First Seattle Diary + new weekly Sheets for July-Dec '81 to Storage.[/blue] -----

2:00 Start Health Ins Conversion. Call NMI + Safeco. Gotta get Sally Boy at μSoft. Leave msg. ----Do Portfolios Queries + sheet for May 1.

5:15 ----Dinner + Comp Chron (Color)

6:30 Relax + Brainstorm

7:00 To gym. PAC. Arms. Shower. Go home.

9:00 M. Brown + D. Woman

10:00 Think

10:30 To bed

TUE MAY 16 '89

6:00 ----[blue]What I did each winter or July-June. Think of each year since 1976.[/blue] 77-79 No Product Design. Prog + Tech Design 79-80 [yellow]Study Business, Mgt, Finance[/yellow] 80-81 Relocate, [yellow]Pers Acct, Trading,[/yellow] BASIC 81-82 ----- Try engr mgt. Not a success 82-83 SORT + [yellow]stocks.[/yellow] No pdt design, just tech 83-84 Product Design. Not a great success. 84-85 Implementation. SUCCESS! 85-87 Implementation of Works. SUCCESS! 87-89 [yellow]Study Finance. Learn, then write.[/yellow]

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Vanguard Bond Indexes. Skeusen + EWA. Hulbert + Mut Fund Forecaster These 2 [Skeusen + Mut Fund Forecaster] recommend Lynch's book