Diary

We did some coke + tequila shooters and then we drove to my place and sat in hot tub. And then we went + had sex. Got pretty limp due to the coke. And then we did some more. Coke is so bad!! It makes you live a trip which just can't be sustained. It ruins your judgment and makes you tired more. But what's the root of this problem? I know this! It was lack of judgment due to

1) Drinking which I did not decrease. Took Lane's suggestions for shooters...

2) I was tired from nice days in the sun.

I had had a great weekend. I was satisfied at 8:00 PM. I should've gone home after stopping in at Rock's briefly and saying hi to Lane. Just like Bloody Sunday, Aug 24 '86.

As when I lived in OC, Sunday eve should wind down, it's been so long since I've had so much fun on a weekend. I fucked up. Laying a cute bartender. OK, but no coke!

MON DEC 1

Fortunately Lane must leave to take in his car, and so I can get on with licking wounds. Shower. Clean up. Goto breakfast at Coco's.

Walk around Rancho Las Palmas.

It was much too busy this weekend for me to enjoy. But now its quieter so I took a walk to see where I spent a high time 2 years ago. A time which resulted in nothing substantial except cleared up thoughts on property mgt + tax planning for personal accountant, and [box]the sufficiency of spreadsheet software for those tasks, which significantly motivated my desire to work on works.

10:15 It's really a pretty day today here and I just feel low because of lack of sleep, due to coke, due to drinking/Lane's friendliness, due to being [highlight]too greedy for fun. Remember to enjoy cooling down!![/highlight]

10:30 Check out of RSP and head out. [highlight]Buy T shirt for Maru Thompson.[/highlight]

11:15 Drive out to Ontario. Very pretty drive during first half.

12:15 Buy Gas for rental car. Have lunch. Return car.

1:30 Check in at airport. Flight delayed. Write cards to Mark + parents.

2:00 Wait an hour. Read Infoworld Feeling pretty depressed and tired due to coke. Hard to forgive myself.

3:15 Eventually leave on flight. Rest + [RND?] read Infoworld and lick my wounds.

4:30 Get into SF. Race to Gate 5. See Dale + Steve from Seattle returning on my flight. Take Nuprin for headache. On flight, read more feeling better. 2nd wind.

7:00 Take taxi to Capital Hill. Get settled. Get groceries. Make + eat dinner. Talk with Bill F. and Mark.

10:00 Go to bed. Bed felt great.

Tues Dec 2 '86

What really makes me feel stupid about yesterday is that I told Bob Browning on Wednesday not to do Coke. And Mark had just told me he'd overdone coke Wednesday evening.

I decide yesterday is a "sick" day not a vacation day at all.

Each and every time I do coke or crystal at night I am zonked the next day and I lose my judgment

1) Crystal (coke + Chuck could've been disaster New Years) from Lee Salinas last February made me go to Tubs and I felt groggy all day Sunday at library (but it was not bad)

2) Doing coke night before cruise made me sleepless (bad dreams) 2.5 crystal at Probe + next day was wonderful.

3) Coke at Halloween made me want to be with Daniel Anderson who I didn't care for enough to see again. I may have hurt him and was embarrassed to run into him.

4) Crystal Sat night in SF made me groggy Sunday. But not bad

5) Coke in Palm Springs made me mindless on Monday and made me overexcited about Lane.

1985 only

So I know coke is bad.

The only good thing is that drugs made me mindless like the day after Halloween when it rained 3 1/2 inches in one day when I would've otherwise been super depressed. (day with Greg Adamski)

It's real sad that I sould say a good thing is having depression reduced!

But notice that the days I don't mind being groggy are Sundays and that I hate being mindless on days when I would want to use my mind, especially yesterday!

9:30 Go to work. Finish test protected tab code + test prot'd shift tab

3:45 Go to gym, dinner, gasoline

7:00 Finish prot'd shift tab.

10:00 Leave. Call Mark Thompson + Ron Weinberg.

11:00 Go to bed

Wed, Dec 3 '86

8:30 It was so stupid to cruise at Palm Springs. What if a close friend of Mark's had been there? What if Ron and Mark were close? I should have been friendly but not a tramp, hurting Mark. One boyfriend at a time! I should not have allowed touching with Mark, but somehow kept the fun going. Behave!

9:00 YESTERDAY I [highlight]WONDERED IF COKE WAS EVER A GOOD THING TO DO.[/highlight] WHEN I FOUND OUT LAST MARCH 13 THAT I HAVE ANTIBODY, I DISCARDED ALL MY REMAINING DRUGS + PARAPHENALIA AND PROBABLY MY [highlight]"COKE VS CRYSTAL"[/highlight] AND "HOW TO PARTY" INDEX CARDS, ON THE BASIS THAT DRUGS HAD ALTERED MY JUDGMENT TOO OFTEN. [highlight]TRULY COKE IS NOT AS GOOD[/highlight] TOO: [group]LESS CONVENIENT MORE COSTLY LASTS LESS TIME[/group] THAN CRYSTAL. AND IT GAVE ME [highlight]BAD DREAMS[/highlight],AND CAUSES [highlight]IMPOTENCE[/highlight]AT END OF EVENING. SO I BOUGHT IT ONLY LAST AUGUST, BUT I DIDN'T SAY NO TO IT ON HALLOWEEN OR SUNDAY NIGHT, AND MARK COULDN'T SAY NO EITHER (WHAT IF I'D HAD AN ACCIDENT!) AND [highlight]CRYSTAL MADE ME GROGGY[/highlight] IN SF FIRST SUNDAY, [highlight]BUT I DIDN'T FEEL BAD,[/highlight] AND I DIDN'T LOSE MY JUDGMENT, AND [highlight]I FELT GREAT AFTER CRYSTAL IN LOS ANGELES. BUT I DON'T THINK CRYSTAL WAS REQUIRED FOR GOOD TIME IN LA. [/highlight] COFFEE MAY HAVE BEEN ENOUGH, AND HAD I NOT MET GREG, I WOULD'VE HAD BAD TIME SUNDAY.

[highlight]MDA CERTAINLY COLORS YOUR JUDGMENT, AS COKE DOES, BUT CRYSTAL DOES MUCH LESS SO.[/highlight] AND I MET LOUIS LAST JANUARY 30 AND GREG ADAMSKI FROM REDONDO WHEN ON CRYSTAL.