Diary

9:40 [red ink] What does this mean? [box around and highlighted in yellow] A[in red ink and circled next to following text] For whom I should be looking as a lifemate: Someone who I can trust to look out for me. I was brought up in a very protective, sheltered env't. I'm like waterford; excellent but fragile. [highlighted in yellow] I have to stay in my case or I'll [hightlighted in yellow] get broken[highlighted in yellow], like at Harvard.

I need a a strong enclosure for a lover. I should never pretend to be a protector. What a joke! Maybe not, since like Waterford, I can hold wine & make it look good. But such is only temporary protection.

B [red ink and circled] SHOULD I BE A BOTTOM MAN? NOT IN THE SUBSERVIENT SENSE. I SHOULD ALWAYS REMEMBER MY QUALITIES AS A WATERFORD VASE: I AM EXCELLENT BUT NEED PROTECTION. AND ON THAT BASIS, REMEMBER THAT MY LOVER WON'T BE FULFILLED [highlighted in yellow] WITHOUT SOMETHING TO PROTECT. [highlighted in yellow]

C [circled and in red ink] CAN I RUN A HOUSEHOLD? PROBABLY NOT. I'M NOT INTERESTED[highlighted in yellow- I'm...] IN COOKING, OR LEARNING TO COOK. [highlighted in yellow][text inserted at bottom of page in red ink pointing to this sentence-changed after a BBQ at Dan & TP'S!] ALL I WANT IS A HOUSEHOLD SET UP FOR ME WHICH I PAY FOR AND WHICH ALLOWS ME TO BE CREATIVE.

10:00 BUT WHAT DO I GIVE TO SUCH [red ink] A PERSON IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. [red ink] JOKES-NO [red ink] FRIENDS-NO [red ink] BIG DICK-NO [ red ink] MAYBE GOOD LOOKS. FRIENDSHIP, [red ink] SOMEONE ALWAYS THERE, ETC. [red ink] SOMEONE TO DECORATE HOME. [red ink] MAYBE I COULD PLAN MENUS, ETC. [red ink] BUT I WILL NOT BE A SUBSERVIENT [red ink] BOTTOM. I WILL BE ON TOP [red ink] SEXUALLY AS OFTEN AS HE. [red ink] WE WILL BE EQUALS, BUT [red ink] WE WILL NEED EACH OTHER. [red ink] I WILL NEED HIS STRATEGY. [red ink] HE WILL NEED MY TACTICS [red ink] AND METICULOUS EXCELLENCE. [red ink]

10:10 Interestly, maybe the lack of such a person for Mozart was [text inserted above- part of-] his downfall. Sure he loved Constance, but maybe if she had not been forced into the submissive role. But in those days it was important for the man to be on top. Like me, Mozart was not capable of seeing the overall situation, and needed a"mgr" [sentence highlighted in yellow to -mgr] of his household. But mgr [mgr inserted above] of his life? No, of course not, who could do that? I've got Gates[I've got Gates -highlighted in yellow] though & he had better keep me happy. But is he aware of my needs. I doubt it.

10:15 So if I do have good mgr of my work at Microsoft, then maybe I just need a mgr of a household. I certainly don't want someone [red ink] who would tell me what to do with [red ink] my life. But someone who can [red ink] promote me socially, who is strategic, [red ink] who knows what we should do with [red ink] our personal ( inserted above) lives, who can plan vacations, [red ink] and evenings out, and who can [red ink] take charge socially, and who has [red ink] [highlighted in yellow-who has] time for all this ( not Bob). [red ink] [highlighted in yellow]

10:25 Basically then, I want someone who can plan a household & implement it with my help. They can be big businessmen, or they can be helpers. They must be fun socially & oh so cuddly.

MAYBE I JUST NEED TO REALIZE [red ink] THAT I SHOULD GET A PERSON [red ink] WHO CAN GIVE ME A HOUSEHOLD [red ink] LIKE CONSTANZE, BUT REALIZE [red ink] THAT I SHOULD NEVER, EVER [red ink][highlighted -I....] PLAY PROTECTOR. NEVER DOMINATE, [red ink][highlighted yellow- play protector] EVEN IN SEX.

10:30-1:00 Ritz (Sun w/ Stan Smith & Rich Freeberg) Daddy's & Neighbors (boring) Vogue (Aaron) & Watertown (Rory) 1-2:30 Tubs & Glen Fly

Last night was wierd. It was a real fiasco for Bob Browning too who got his contact lenses washed down the drain at Bruce Jensens in West Seattle.

I've decided [text inserted above in black ink-I've put book away out of sight.] to forget about chess. [sentence in red ink and -forget about chess- highlighted in yellow] It's boring, and not a pleasure to me. [red ink]

What about music? [sentence highlighted] I see no great benefit to learning to play the piano. Why be a robot? But perhaps I'd like to compose & use my Apple Music Synthesizer to play music. [paragraph in red ink]

But I don't "get off" on the benefits. Music is "too[underlined in black] artistic." It takes a great aethsetic sense to compose well, much more than design for computers. If I'd had the conceptual structure for it in my mind, I'd have picked it up by now. [sentence highlighted in yellow] In high school, I'd have spent time with music instead of computers. [paragraph in red ink]

THIS IS ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF MY LACK OF CONNECT W/PAUL ALLEN. [text along side of page]

Thursday, Aug 23 [red ink] (DAY AFTER DOING SPEED) [red ink]

I looked at some old books I have on music theory, and it just doesn't turn the crank. Maybe it's too random, or too unpragmatic. Computers ARE THE ART FORM THAT I RELATE TO, GIVEN MY PERSONALITY. [paragraph in red ink]

SO CHECK MUSIC OFF MY LIST [red ink and highlighted in yellow] OF THINGS TO DO THIS FALL. [red ink]

I have man's greatest conceptual invention sitting on the table behind me, and I'm thinking "How can I be creative?" [sentence highlighted in yellow] It doesn't make sense! I feel unfulfilled. I know my work is important, but I have a hard time getting into it, BECAUSE I'M NOT EXCITED ABOUT MY PERSONAL LOVE LIFE. [paragraph in green ink]

Maybe, I'm spoiled, and I'm becoming lazy. I need something else to do that's a challenge & that I can be good at. [sentence highlighted] What was I good at in high school? [sentence highlighted in yellow] Math, Languages, Science. [sentence highlighted in yellow] So let's do a Language this fall. Also history: continue to study it...[highlighted in yellow] [paragraph in green ink]