Diaries, 1943-1944

6 [page 5 is missing here] ....... , but we don't ask for anything. It happens many times that we don't have water here at the hayloft to have a sip to drink and then we think again, oh if we can survive this war then everything is alright and we are willing to end up with nothing. Now to continue with Adam, we thought that now finally everything would work out. He went to the doctor. He returns in the evening from Golm and says jokingly (which we did not recognize as joking) that he had not purchased anything. I say: "Oh, I say [illegible] my darling why did you not buy us a gift?" But thank God [illegible/?] there were five boxes of ointment, steel pills[?] for my anemia and a number of other small items.

7 But there always has to be an element of cheating, that is what makes the world go round. One person cheats another more than he can. And honest, nobody can be honest, because nobody will believe you anyway. The first thing he says that he could not [illegible] the watch, that it's value is 200 [illegible]. There is more but what matters is that he did not go to the doctor and did not buy anything so that I could get my period. So there is a big chance that I am pregnant. Yes, there is always something and we are never allowed to experience complete[?] joy[?]. But we do enjoy that it is now a week later

and we are almost totally free of the scabies. My man is entirely free. I not quite yet. The wounds have not yet healed, but I feel already like another person and so does my man. Although I am continuously running a fever and have a white flow that weaken me. I am now taking steel pills and hope that that helps. But there is always something, because Chajim is having a bad toothache today and we washed ourselves completely to get rid of the ointment, but there is no joy. Our lightheartedness is gone again, because my darling is in such a pain. And then there is me. We have, or better, Chajim told Adam to get Selma some extra food,

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9 because otherwise she would get too weak. He, the spineless one, says that that will be fine, but it is still the woman who has to agree and one day earlier she does not want to give anything. Then she got the watch which she wanted to have although she is not entitled to it. But giving something, forget it. She has not yet inquired how I am doing, but everything is fine. My man had two pairs of socks when we arrived. We left one pair with them to wash. But we don't get out in the street or even walk, thus they kept those socks. But the worst is that Chajim's socks are completely used up and thus we pulled the yarn out of the socks

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10 and used it to knit a pair of new ones. Oh, those are just minor issues. The other day when I did not have my period for 2 months, she had already concluded that I was pregnant by looking at my eyes and when there was water coming from my breast, she was certain of it. So she can cause somebody pain (by saying that I was pregnant). Now she says that that happens from time to time to young women. I have done a lot of sewing and knitting for her, but not one thank you. I have one vest that I use as my coat and that is everything I own. We have put every in the oven hoping to get rid of the scabies. Chajim somewhat doubtful asked: "Won't that hurt the clothes?", "O don't worry" she answers twice. 10

11 And she says that there is no problem leaving all the clothes in the oven. But then, when they hand us the clothes at the hayloft, we see that my vest is burned, ruined. Yes, now what? First, I was really mad. Then Chajim says: "Selma, don't cry; we have already lost so much, our whole family, now we will loose this also, but the other is much worse." June 22 Thank God the night has passed. Chajim could not sleep because of his toothache and I could not sleep because of itching. Itching consumes you. We finished breakfast and will now be waiting

12 for lunch just like every other day. Luckily I have work today; I make a sweater for Edek[?]. My man is also happy because he will wind yarn into balls, which will keep him busy for half an hour. Yes, this is our live. We are sitting in our under shirts on a blanket and are covered with an old bag and so we pass one day after the next. Today is the first day of summer. As far as we are concerned winter is better, because we are above a stable. And that is not all, our latrine bucket is standing right in front of us, so the moment it gets warmer there is a very unpleasant smell here. 12

13 Yes and all that just to wait for freedom. Is it worth it to have to suffer so much? And yet we are happy, my Chajim and I, and that is also why we have the patience to wait. Just with the hope that once we shall have a beautiful life together. Amen. Seven o'clock in the evening. I have knitted the whole day and I don't know what is wrong with me, but I am dead tired. My legs feel like lead. Where will this lead to. It is terrible to feel so weak.

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14 [illegible] all day long there is water coming from my breasts. O mother, what a pity that we have not had more intimate conversations and that you did not tell me more. We have been absolutely ignorant and naive and that is now costing us. It is now already close to eight o'clock and the cows are being brought back into the stable. For us that means, that we have to lay like mummies for half an hour. My darling is sleeping. He did not sleep at all last night and also worries a lot about me. He is such a great guy and so sweet. 14

15 O, to be able to [illegible] freedom with him. I am always writing the same thing, but I can't do otherwise. Our desire for freedom is so great. It is getting dark now and we are waiting for our evening bread, then we will sleep and hope that we will wake up tomorrow in good health. June 24. I did not feel like writing yesterday. Chajim did not feel well; he had terrible stomach cramps and felt really badly. Also, they slaughtered a pig and a calf and the whole week we were thinking " Great , when they slaughter that pig 15