Diary

[highlight]AND JEALOUS THAT I DIDN'T STAY LONG ENOUGH TO LOOK THOROUGHLY. IT TURNS OUT HE WAS THERE.[/highlight]

AND SO I LEFT AND WENT HOME AND GOT HIS [highlight]10:45 MESSAGE. I WENT THROUGH THE ROOF![/highlight]

NOW WHAT DO I DO? I SHOULD'VE GONE OUT TO LOOK FOR SOMETHING FOR MYSELF. [highlight]BUT THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THAT FACE + UPPER BODY.[/highlight]

SO I WENT HOME + GOT CARD AND PUT IT ON HIS TRUCK, WHICH I'D FOUND AND THAT FELT BETTER. I COULD REST. BUT I WOKE UP AT 1:25 AND WENT BACK AND HIS TRUCK WAS STILL THERE. WITH THE CARD ON.

SO I WENT HOME BUT THEN DROVE BACK AT 2:30. (WHY?) AND CAR WAS GONE. SO I DROVE TO HIS PLACE AND TRUCK WAS NOT THERE. I WAS PISSED AGAIN. AND REALIZED GONE TO HOMBRES. ANYWAY,

SO I SHOULD'VE JUST HAD A GOOD TIME BY MYSELF AND YET I COULDN'T. [highlight]I COULDN'T SLEEP EITHER AND HE DIDN'T CALL AT ALL[/highlight]

MONDAY AUG 25 '86

6:15 CALL MICHAEL [FAILLA?] + CRY ON HIS SHOULDER. DROVE OUT TO BILLS. STILL NOT HOME. NORMAL MORNING MISCELLANY. GOTO WORK. STILL NO SPEC. COOK AT SCHEDULE TO SEE WHAT OTHERS WILL BE DOING (IF) WHILE I DO COMMUNICATIONS.

SHOULD I PASS IT UP?

[highlight]CANNOT CONCENTRATE SO GO HOME[/highlight] DRIVE TO BILLS. STILL NOT HOME. GET RUNNING SHORTS. [highlight]GO RUN AROUND GREEN LAKE. STOP BY BILLS ON WAY HOME.[/highlight]

Talk about what transpired. Went home with Jeff Armstrong and told me about his books. We discussed whether he'd be telling me in the future about who he sleeps with. And gives me any details I ask. It was a good talk and I hope we can advance this relationship, but he tells me to lighten up.

In reading over last night, it was all just unfounded jealousy, fantasized, at least up until when he got to Neighbors. I could've gone in, said hello and left peacefully and all I would've lost is one nights data which I got today. Granted it still may have been a sleepless night though.

One thing he said is that he's never lost sleep over my going out on the town and remember that he said he wasn't upset about my going to Expo without him. He said he wished I would sleep around, so that he won't feel so much pressure. Maybe that's what I want? Or do I want one man? He's certainly not ready to be monogamous at 27 this early in our relationship. Even to make it stable.

And I realized that there was a lot of high tension from just general depression. So I ordered Amitriptyline. That may help me sleep with Bill too, but let's just try to be friends and see if we can sleep at all.

Anyway, I'm learning a lot about people + relationships!

2:30 Lunch. Think + write in here. Bob calls. Talk about Bill. Bob is sorry to hear its rocky. Pick up Macintosh. Pick up Amitriptyline. Think + write some more. Misc

7:15 Leave for Olympic 4 Seasons. Dinner at Cutters. Beautiful sunset. Got to know Eric Miller. Saw houses he looked at. Had very good sex. Freshly fucked feeling

Tues Aug 26th

Sunny 91!

Misc. Gym. Go to work. Still no spec. Decide to get new spec written by me. Think about Sunday some more. Resync and new listings. Not a real productive day.

5:00 Leave. Dinner at home. Gorgeous part at Scotts on View Ridge. Sunset over the Olympics, evergreens and a beautiful contempo house.

10:45 To bed

Wed Aug 27th

High clouds

Write up a sheet on problems Wednesday thru Sunday nights, and put it to rest.

9:30 Go to work. Revise spec myself after getting files.

4:30 Eyes hurt since no glasses. Leave. Misc. Bill arrives. Treat him as friend and we have a good time at supper and watching "Raoul" but no sex afterwards except for me J/O. Was "OK"

11:30 To sleep

Thur Aug 28th '86

Misc

8:30 Go to gym

11:00 Update spec for keyboard. Start on formula bar stuff. Write progress report.

5:45 Go to chiropractors for lower back. Dinner. Misc. Think about going to San Juans with Michael. Of course.

But Sat Sun

be home for Sunday at Neighbors

Spend Mon with Bill. Further into future

room avail Sat Night at Rosario

Or Sun Mon

Couldn't go out Sat night or Sun night

spending Sat on outing would seem odd (one-day)

Read Programmers at Work. Think awhile. Go out to Neighbors. I feel very nervous and ill at ease because of Bill. First, just driving around made me feel bad. Catching glimpses of similar trucks. But why is this? I know I don't want him for a boyfriend. Perhaps I am just disappointed because he is someone I like but not someone I love. And he isn't infatuated with me. (But I'm not infatuated with his skinny legs either.)

Bill was saying he thinks people who do drugs are fundamentally depressive personalities. And this time of year adds to it. I hope Amitryptiline works.

And theres the fact that I just don't convey a sense of fun. I don't have that many friends and I'm don't know how to change this, but I'm willing to spend time on friendships. But perhaps I just get bored if they aren't sexual relationships.

Fri Aug 29 '86

Cloudy morning

Wake up with that depressed feeling. Feeling nervous, but I'm not sure about what.

Maybe I should do some traveling starting soon. But where? Who with? I want more enthusiasm. I want more excitement and not disappointments.

8:30 Go to work. Call Michael Failla + tell him about Rosario reservation. Call Bill and discuss what we'll do this weekend. I tell him Michael has invited me out and that I'd like to get together with Bill one day. Then he says he won't promise that so I turn around and say maybe I can invite you. What a schmuck-head. So I called Michael to call him and he said OK so I called back Bill and he said he'd consider it.

Work on formula bar sketch. List why not to stay at MS.

4:45 Leave to get glasses.

5:30 Go home. Try to call Bill but line is busy. Misc. I feel very nervous like I did last Sunday. Get a scotch. At this point, I feel like I don't know what to do about Bill. I like him a lot, but I hurt a lot because we're not compatible. And he's not what I want.