Diary

SATURDAY 5/25

I've realized some important things lately: First, it's clear that before I can have a lover, I want friends of my own, ie people who are important to me, outside my favorite. And second, the only way I can get a house is to have a lover. So: if I ever want to advance my standard of living, I must make friends. But how? Even before friends, I must have an environment that I like living in. AND interesting toys or books 5/89

But that's not San Diego. Driving around there I realized it's not all that great in East & South San Diego. Lots of telephone poles, TV antennas, cracking roadways, yellow grass. It's real nice around the Park & University Avenue, but isn't it funny that out of everyone there, the two people I've like most, had just moved there from LA or SF. There aren't that many good looking guys there. Mike Ragatz seems burnt out! And I don't really care for Holiday Spa there.

SO, am I back to considering a big city again? But I could never live in LA, because it's so flat, not near water or mountains (true), no friendly gym (wrong), area code 213 (superstitious), fat Sunday newspapers (forget it), having to be friends with Dick & Jorge, tired bars that I've never liked (make friends at gym), Venice, Silverlake, pretense, actors. (Probably anyone who's hot & gay from San Diego has moved to LA, so that's why it's so lacking in SD.)

But what else is left. Only San Francisco which is so crowded, and so diverse, and not real sunny, but -

Can I do without sun if I have friends?

Can I handle crowds & traffic if I take taxis & don't look at the mess?

Can I afford it?

Can I make good friends there?

Can I be productive there?

There have been so many more times that I've been in LA and decided it just is not for me. August '82 (tired out due to drugs) (I wanted to be coding - meticulous mood), Feb '83 (RAINY and I wasn't working while I was there 5/89), July 4 '83, July '84, Labor Day '84, and even just passing through Thx '84. And now I have a game with myself to see how long I can avoid going there.

But San Francisco has seen many more good times. Last summer, however, I realized how hard it would be to live in such a dense population. And it's doesn't have very many tree-lined streets, or houses with yards, and many people have a much lower standard of living there then they would elsewhere.

But comparing the two, LA vs SF, I'd have to say I'd feel that SF were the wiser choice. And the real question then is SF vs Seattle?! Or should I do both for awhile. Get apartment there for weekends, and take taxis, so I don't need car

I want visual, physical beauty and fun. There are some opportunities for it here, but I don't feel I am close to anyone like me. I want friends! Do I need to fall back, lower my standards (self-perception or conceive my strength and weaknesses accurately), to feel I have friends. No, I don't want people who are as interesting as I am to be friends with. It's really quite easy, but where are they?? Am I unique?

But as always, it has to be the work that will draw me somewhere. Anyplace can look good or bad. I've had good times in SD & SF, but I just can't seem to get a firm grip on one or the other.

Seattle makes me feel lonely, and will really hurt this fall I expect. Before I'm old and have no body, I want to make close buddies, who understand me because they've experienced the life I lead.

NEXT: I WANT OTHER PEOPLE AROUND ME WHO I LIKE

SUNDAY 5/26

After thinking some more I went to the gym from 12 to 2 and then came home and made Saltimbocca Alla Romana, and it got to be very sunny, so I went for bike ride instead of going to work. Sunny + went for walk on Broadway. Ice Cream with Make Hallen. Home + talked to Bruno, then made dinner. Talked to Brad + Bob.

Around 10:00 PM I went out to bars, and stayed till 3:00. Nobody I feel really close to. No friends like Brent P. or Bruce Spencer could be. I didn't drink because of reading Time Mag. I must figure out what I'm doing.

MONDAY 5/27

Got up at 11:00 very unmotivated. Went to buy book for Dad on Germany. Also bought books on San Fran + Manhattan. After reading them, I decided I can't live just in SF or just in SD. Solution is to do both, and maybe that fits into Ann W + Kristi!